


please, listen

by Enochianess



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Diary/Journal, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-23 18:50:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18155687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enochianess/pseuds/Enochianess
Summary: A series of Eliott's journal entries





	1. Depression i

**Author's Note:**

> So, since I have bipolar disorder myself, I thought it would be interesting to go through my old journal entries and rewrite them to fit Eliott's situation because that would give a very accurate insight into his mind for others who have never dealt with mental health issues.
> 
> It might be difficult to read at times, perhaps even harder now that you know they come from a place of truth. They are raw. They are real. They are mine.
> 
> Major trigger warning for suicidal thoughts. Please don't read if it will be too much for you.
> 
> They don't necessarily fit the storyline that we know, but instead give an overall insight into the illness.

### One

_I wouldn't blame any of them for hating me. Mum. Dad. Lucille. Lucas._

_I hate me._

_If I was them, I would have abandoned me a long time ago. I kind of wish they'd just do it already, to save me the pain later. I feel alone as it is, I'm not sure whether it would make a difference if they left._

_Today has felt impossible and it feels like all the pain is trying to explode out of me. There is too much of it and I have no idea what to do with myself. I have lost all faith and hope now and I'd give absolutely anything to fall asleep and never wake up again. To die is the one thing in the world that I want most and the fact that I can't is driving me mad. Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but today, I don't feel that way. It feels real. The pain certainly is real, anyway._

_I'm so angry at everyone for not understanding how bad things are, but it's my own fault for all the lies and acting. Today, my mum said, "Are you struggling today?" I swear if I hadn't been crying hysterically I would have laughed. Every day. every hour, every minute, every second is a STRUGGLE. They thought today was worse than any other day, but it wasn't. I'd just given up on acting and let myself be. I feel so numb, my head aches, my wrist itches. I wish I could just pluck up the courage to end it all now. Everyone would be better off if I was dead anyway._

 

### Two

_One day_

_The clouds will break_

_The sun will spill through_

_And you'll be able to breathe_

_Again_

### Three

_I didn't sleep at all last night and I feel so empty today, but still unbearably unhappy. I'm frightened. I want it all to be over, but I also want someone to save me. I know no one can do that though. I hate myself for worrying everyone and hurting them, but I hurt too, and I can't pretend anymore. I'm staying at home because I just can't deal with today. I need to try and do something to make myself feel better, but school won't help with that._

_I need to pull myself together, so they'll all be less worried and will stop watching me so closely. I need to act better, put on a more convincing front._

_I'm so tired._

 

### Four

_I can't feel anything, I don't even feel human, and it's terrifying._

_I need help._

_I feel like the whole world is pressing down on me, surrounding me, suffocating me._

_I'm empty. My head is like a void. I don't know what to do. Quite frankly, I feel like I've already given up. They can do what they want with me now. Stuff me with pills if that's what they want to do._

_I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going crazy._

 

### Five

_There are no stars in the sky tonight and that makes me sad. I like the stars. They comfort me in this weird way, like I'm not alone anymore because they're right there with me._

_I think today I realised that I'm really not very well. There is nothing romantic or poetic about what is going on and this illness in my mind has really taken control. If I really think about it, I have several things wrong: depression, anxiety, self-harm, low self-esteem. It's a lot to work with and it's going to take a long time to recover. I know that something really is wrong because I just want help, and I think I'm only beginning to realise that the way I'm feeling isn't normal and I shouldn't be like this. I just really struggle to think about any of this rationally a lot of the time and tend to become completely consumed by it all. It's hard not to be when it's this bad. I can't even help myself right now._

_I don't know when I suddenly started hating myself so much._

 

### Six

_In the last 62 hours, I have had 4 hours sleep. I feel strange. I look drugged. My brain isn't working properly. I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight either._

 

### Seven

_I feel kind of okay right now. Obviously I'm not great, but I feel like I can breathe and appreciate things and my head is calm and I don't want to jump off a bridge._

_I'm still going to start taking meds though because I think it's about time I grew up and accepted things for what they are. I'm ill and there's no shame in helping myself get better by using them. It's all going to be a slow and painful process, but I know I'm strong_ _enough._

_Now I have some clarity for the first time in about two weeks, I know I don't really want to die._

### Eight

_I hate how empty all my days feel. Before, I used to be happy, and life just was what it was, and I got on with it and enjoyed it. I looked forward to things and dreaded things, but I just seemed to go along with it all without much thought. Now, every day just feels like this void, this space of time that I've got to get through._

_I mean, I can read and watch television and go online and go to parties and meet my friends, but none of it really seems to matter. It's not enough. Everyone else seems perfectly happy to just do these things, but I just can't see the point in any of it. I do them because I'm told they will make me feel better, happier, but I still go to bed feeling empty and miserable._

### Nine

_I don't feel okay at all today, but like in a subdued way? I felt awful when I woke up and considered just staying in bed, but I managed to drag myself out. I feel so god damn sad and I don't know why. It's like there is sadness in my veins, seeping up through my skin and just leaking everywhere. I can feel sadness in every inch of my body and it is heavy and I swear it is trying to pull me under until i'm drowning in it._


	2. Depression ii

### Ten

_There is something fragile and broken about the world today, but perhaps that's just me projecting my thoughts and sick romanticism into the air. I don't know how to explain it, but I find myself in some way addicted to sadness. I read about it and think about it constantly. There is something so delicate and fascinating about darkness, about the way it consumes in crashing waves, about the way it tantalises innocent and worn down minds. It is Lucifer. It is the devil that appears to us as an exquisite angel, beckoning us to follow it. At times, sadness can feel like such a divine torture. It can feel like poetry flowing through the veins. It is not just a feeling; it is a place, a way of being. It sinks its claws so deep that to pull them out would be infinitely more painful than learning to accept them as part of you. Pain becomes a friend in one form or another, and you very often forget that you're supposed to be trying to make it stop._

_You can taste salt on your tongue and your eyes feel too heavy from a string of sleepless nights and you startle at the hollow sound of your own laugh as you watch the whole world crash down around you. But then, suddenly the whole world stops spinning and fades to black and before you know it there's a blaring in your ears and you're staring at the nonsensical swirls of your ceiling, thoughts flying around in your head a mile a minute, yet again contemplating your ability to make it through another day with these incessant cravings for self-destruction and pain, pain, pain._

_Hide in the darkness for as long as you can, don't let them find you, push them all away, cling to the beautiful madness._

_I don't understand it at all, but sometimes there is nothing like it in the world. Some days I will hate it and loathe it and scream and shout because I hate it for having such a hold on me and for my being too weak to overrule it, but other days I revel in it. They are the days where I see the romance, the poetry, even if people say none exists. It does exist though. It exists in my mind. It exists in that feeling I get deep inside my chest and up through my arms. I can't explain it, but it is there nonetheless, and I am hungry for it. It is blood and salt and no air. It is palpitating hearts and achy bones and dizzy, spinning heads. It is sweet surrender._

 

### Eleven

_I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE_

_ONE I'M LOOKING FOR_

_BUT I AM SO COLD AND_

_A FIRE IS A FIRE_

 

### Twelve

_Harsh breaths, so sharp and so quick, the salt erosive as it fills the lungs. It feels like acid in my dry mouth and my lips crack painfully as they stretch into a familiar lie. It all feels like a waking dream, the air so hazy and sluggish and everything seems to delicate and sad._

_Lilac flowers growing in the grass the same shade as cold, tired eyelids and people with such papery and wintery skin. Crows black and haunting as they circle in the mist over the field and I am flying to, I am somewhere up there with them and my heart is in my lungs and my feet can't quite touch the ground. They don't notice I'm gone, they don't notice anything at all, and that's good, but it's also sad and frightening. Everything is sad and everything is cold and there are tiny lavender scars that look like openings in the canvas of your skin and maybe your stitches fell out and the patches are falling to pieces. They're so delicate and beautiful, yet hideous, and you don't know what to make of these imperfections, of these tiny gateways where the hate pours in and out._

_This place feels wrong and these people are clueless and you love them but their minds don't work in the same way and you refuse to acknowledge that any of them might understand because they can't and this spinning is just for you because you're the only one that deserves this pain._

 

### Thirteen

_This darkness inside me is tearing me to shreds and laughing as it watches me crumble and bleed. It's hold on me is so strong and I have saltwater in my lungs and acid in my veins and I'm choking on the thick nothingness of hate and despair. I don't feel human._

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, please leave kudos and/or comments!
> 
> Come find me @MaxenceSource on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/maxencesource/), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/MaxenceSource) and [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-_99lS6mcwLDwbXqALgenw)
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr [here](https://www.enochianess.tumblr.com)


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